A Perfectionist Sleeps

If you look closely, you can see my shadow. I am taking a photo of a perfect day on the Opeongo in Renfrew County. Of course however gorgeous a day nature isn’t perfect at least not in a Martha Stewart way. Breathtaking, dangerous, mundane, exciting, peaceful and at times mind numbingly mundane. But not if you are a mouse, a cat or a bear etc

Ever changing yet the same.

For most of my life I was too thin and now I am no longer too thin. I would love to write I accept my changing shape but I have not.In my minds imagination I look the same as I did twenty years ago. Denial or delusion. Now I think I will move on from fat shaming myself.

I agree fear motivates perfectionism & it is a lofty way to indulge in procrastination.

Avoidance, impulsive behaviour, relying on a talisman, praying to St Jude, the patron saint of hopeless cases, convincing myself I don’t need to start a project until the 11th hour and reaching that hour defeated but determined. It seems to me last few posts for blog school are eleventh hour posts. But I feel energized. Not weighed down by fear dread. So, this is not the eleventh hour.it’s the beginning.

My life is riddled with funny stories about how a perfect day went wrong, due arrogance, extreme anxiety, carelessness or just life.

Reading my work, giving eulogies, hosting events, as a bridesmade, a mourner for my partner at his funeral and at the least expected times, I can have an anxiety attack.

An actor suggested I focus on the words, story and ignore my trembling.

The other side of my perfectionism is to ignore my own practical thoughts such as proof read before you send, check you have your passport and time your plane leave NYC.? Yes, because my thought process was, “Dont worry about it. It’ll be fine, you don’t need to check.”
I arrived at la gaurdia without my passport an hour after my flight left.

Fear has most certainly affected me as a writer. My worst example is sending a manuscript to a possible agent, three years after it was requested. It’s not like I forgot,

I agonized but while too lost in my thoughts did not complete the manuscript.

Going for broke here. At the time, I did not know how to put together a manuscript and was most reluctant to ask.
I finally did. This agent probably would not have taken me on ( I was recommended) if I had responded quickly. Rather than a dismissive three years later.

The agent didn’t realize she was dealing with a perfectionist.

sleeping in the gutter covered by leaves because it is a perfect day

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